Ask Donna René

Q: What Questions should I ask a guy before I sleep with him?

A: Asking a guy questions before you sleep with him is pointless. He is likely to be less than honest. It is more important to ask yourself a few questions: How did you meet him? Did he approach you, or vice versa? If he approached you, then; did he stumble when he walked over to you, or stutter when he tried to speak? The answers to these questions help determine how the guy really feels about you. Is he seriously interested in you, or just seriously interested in having sex?

Many women seem to be unaware that guys have a different reason for engaging in sexual activities than women do. Women often engage because they are looking for serious relationships and believe that they must sleep with a guy in order to have it. They think that they must get to know each other, and that part of getting to know each other is having sex. Most guys engage in sexual activities because having sex is a biological need. It is a bodily function similar to urination.

Women should learn the difference in how oxytocin “the love” hormone affects males vs. females. Having this information will make it a lot easier to decide whether to have sex at any age. I have written an e-books that can be read free of charge on Amazon called; Teen Girls & Sex: Why Wait? The Female Adolescent Guide to Sex and Dating. Together, they take only about an hour to read. You should read it and check the references at the end of part I as well. If you cannot get it for free, then just let me know and I will email copies of my manuscripts if you are willing to mention them in your article. In the e-books I explain what the answers to the questions above indicate, along with other well researched information that can help women of all ages make better choices in sexual partners.

Q: I know probiotics are good for me, and I try to use them regularly. Unfortunately, they are often too expensive for my budget. Any suggestions on where to find them more reasonably priced?

A: Buy a gallon of organic milk and allow it to spoil. The warmer the environment, the quicker it will spoil. Once the curd (the the thick, milky-cheesy part) separates from the whey (the liquid), cut open the plastic jug and pour the contents into a colander lined with cheesecloth or plain white paper towels. The curd is loaded with natural probiotics and can be eaten plain (like yogurt) or you can add fruit and nuts to your liking. If you have a good blender you can use the curd to make the best, most healthy and delicious “ice cream” like dessert. Just add the curd, half the amount of oil as curd (I suggest flaxseed), frozen fruit of your choice, and raw honey to taste. The whey is loaded with protein, and should be saved to use in smoothies or other other health drinks. Whey is a natural preservative and will keep for weeks if you refrigerate it, or you can freeze it to keep it longer. Refrigerate the curd as well and it too, will last 2-3 weeks or longer. Another option is to buy organic milk and then make yogurt, using cultured organic buttermilk to get started. Making your own yogurt is easy, but time consuming. You will find plenty of good videos on how to make yogurt on YouTube.

Q: I’m one of 30,000. How do I become a person to her, not just a number?

Ok, I know it isn't love but I'm heavily infatuated with a girl I found on Youtube making covers of songs I like and she has like 30k subscribers. She has a beautiful voice and also has normal videos of her and I like her as a person. She's in another country and has a "contact me" email. So I tried sending her one but got no feedback. How do I get her to acknowledge me? In person I know I can make an impact on her but on the internet i'm 1 of 30,000 and I want to stand out.

A: Record or video yourself singing a song. It doesn't matter if you can sing or not. If you are awful at singing; sing anyway. Just make a joke of it. Have fun with it. Send her the song through YouTube if you can, then ask her to make a cover for you! Now you stand out!

Q: I'm a single straight woman, and I'm meeting guys via online dating sites. I need advice on whether/how to tell a guy that I'm not attracted to him.

In general, in life, it usually takes me meeting someone a few times before I know whether I'm attracted to them; it's very rare that this hits me right away.

I've gone out twice with a cool guy I met via OKC. I like him and enjoy his company, but I feel absolutely no chemistry for him. However, I get the impression he's probably attracted to me. I've considered kissing him to see if I feel anything, but I feel absolutely zero desire to even do that. And I don't want to be in the position of having to fend off a kiss attempt and break the news that way. I think that would be awkward for me and embarrassing for him

What's the most respectful thing to do here? Should I send him a message to tell him if he asks me out again? Should I just dodge his invitations to future dates?

I don't feel a strong enough connection to want to build a friendship, although I'm open to that if it happens naturally.

How can I be respectful, kind and clear here?

Thanks

A: There is so much misinformation out there about sex and relationships that it is no wonder you are at a loss. Here's something that will surprise you to learn about yourself: You can fall in love with just about ANY man that you do not find absolutely repulsive, just by giving him the opportunity to cause your body to release enough oxytocin ("the love hormone). Whether or not he is willing to do what it takes to release that oxytocin in you is another matter. First, just wait and see if he asks you out again. If he does; accept. Talk to him as if he is your friend. Share your likes and dislikes; what you want out of life, etc. Give him the opportunity to show you that he is worthy of your time and attention. By nature, women have a lot more oxytocin than men. Oxytocin is released every time we a have pleasant conversation; when someone does something kind; when we hold hands; even when we see the most fantastic pair of shoes...if we happen to be into shoes, that is. You will be amazed at how much you can feel for this man if he happens to do just the right things that invoke the natural release of oxytocin from you. If he manages to do that, you won't have to cringe at the thought of kissing him. You will be happy to kiss him; naturally and willingly. Until he compels you to kiss him; don't. If he is unwilling to put forth the effort; move on.

Q: I met this girl two years ago, she's a close friend of a relative of mine. Shes an amazing girl, and I started having feelings for her, problem is, she had a boyfriend of 5 years so I kept my distance. When ever we met by chance and we start talking, she would stare into my eyes, laugh, flirt, play with her hair, sit beside me, rushes to hangout with me where ever she finds me, sit right next to me in any opportunity she gets. But I still respected the idea that she had a boyfriend.

Later on she broke-up and got back to him a few times, and every-time I would know, I would start chatting her up, then she would get back to him and I would stop. Then I didn't see her or hear from her for almost a year

Last month we met at a wedding we started talking to each other, asked her about her bf, told me she left him quite a while back. We started talking for hours, flirting and dancing. She would keep staring at me when I was away, and would smile whenever i catch her looking. Shes a very pretty girl and extremely smart. Has a lot of guys chasing her, and she is a nice girl, and would have a decent conversation with anyone. But that day, she was with me all night,and ignored anyone else.

We stayed in contact, although she called me once, she would almost never initiate a call or txt, but would call back whenever I called her.

Met up with her twice, one of them, she was the one we actually said we should meet up, and went for a long stroll in a large park. We laughed and flirted and talked about almost everything, then I gave her a small box of chocolates she really likes and I asked her to have dinner with me next weekend,and she said yes, and we ended the day happily as I walked her to her house.

Then strange things start to happen. I txt her a day later, she seemed a bit cold, with short answers and not holding the conversation. I call her a day before our date, and she doesn't pick up, nor calls back. I thought something was wrong, but I find out she was with her girl buddies at friend's house having dinner, which simply means she ignored my call.

This week, I took a week's vacation to a beach resort, where I go with all my family and cousins (25 members, we're a big family!) She was there with her family and a few of her friends.We all hung out together the entire week, she was normal with me, but then she started to avoid me strongly when she saw me sitting with a girl buddy of her's and having a good laugh for an hour or two, although it was completely harmless. She stayed constantly around me. She would never sit next to me, even if there is an empty seat, but would sit across me, point her feet at me, but look the other way or play with her phone. She flirted with almost every guy in our group, and it had to be in full view of me. She was nice if I started to talk to her but would end the conversation quickly and run off, but then would be back in a few minutes and sit somewhere close to me. I tried to confront her a few times, but she would pull off the same tactic. She had other friends to hang out with, but she had to stay in very close proximity to my area. Shes not going back to her ex bf that's for sure, as I asked my relative who is her best-friend about it. So I have no clue what to do...please help.

A: It seems like you are sincere and mean well. But you are wasting your time and energy on someone that not even you truly want; you only think you do right now, because you developed feelings for her over time; and no one that makes you feel more strongly has come along yet. By now, you may have convinced yourself that you are in love with her. Most of you guys just don't seem to know that true love for you does not happen the same way it does for girls. You need the right amount of oxytocin (the "love hormone") and testosterone to hit you all at once. In other words, it's love at first site. When that happens, you will have found the girl worth pursuing. Chances are, that girl breaks up and goes back because of her feelings for her bf; which tells me that she has been sexually active with him and therefore affected by oxytocin. Sex affects girls differently than it does boys by making her desire him more. It also makes her more loyal. The more sex she has with him, especially if she thinks shes in love, the more loyal and attached she becomes to him. The opposite is not true. The most logical reason that she keeps her distance is due the feelings she still has for her bf, whether they are together or not. She keeps going back to a great extent because of the way sex affects her vs. him. More than likely, she is not with him now because it is more his choice than hers; although she is not likely to admit it. Even if she chose to break up with him, she may still be confused by the way she continues to want him. In this respect, women of all ages can seem "emotionally immature." More than immaturity, it is the lack of knowledge about the difference between the sexes.

Q: I'm a young (21) gay dude that knows what I want from my partners, and I'm really only interested in actual long term relationships. I'm all over the net on dating sites and similar places, I'm in an urban area but don't have irl avenues to pursue the guys I'm into.

My problem is that I fall extremely hard for guys, extremely fast. I'm genuine, tactful, and pretty transparent, but I'm worried I make the mistake of assuming anyone I meet is the same, and worried because I take any dialogue with a guy overly seriously if it even lasts just over a day or two. Alternatively, some guys I try and initiate something with just aren't that into me, though I can take a hint pretty quickly and don't chase after people. Normally I'm less naive and more shrewd and stoic about how I handle things in life, so it's incredibly disarming and out of character for me to feel like I'm emotionally unprepared for something.

I'm not here to ask for help because I'm bad at flirting or hideous or lack the proper social skills.

The reason I'm posting on an advice thread, is that I'm desperate for any tips on how not to get so emotionally invested in strangers :P

I doubt I'm the only one who's experienced this or something similar. I'm prepared to hear that I'm just super young or that what I'm experiencing is just a part of life and that I need to get used to it. I'd love to know what you think. Thanks.

A: I have studied extensively the effects of the natural “love hormone” oxytocin on males vs females, however you present a unique situation in my studies because you are “gay” as you say. I cannot say for certain, of course, but based on your comments, I would guess that you have much more oxytocin in you than the average “straight” male. You speak about love and relationships very similarly to females and with equal confusion. Generally speaking, females have tons more oxytocin than males. As a result, they are much more likely to fall in love easily; be more trusting (gullible), more loyal; more honest, and bond more easily with others. Females have a natural desire for affection more so than sex. Let me be clear: I respect that you are a male and that I am a little out of my element in offering any advice to you. However, I am inclined to advise you in a similar way that I would a female, based on your description of yourself: Despite the way we are socialized these days, believing that we are adults when we turn 18 and that being sexual equates with adulthood; just slow down and catch your breath. You don’t even know who YOU are yet; so you can’t possibly know what to look for in a serious relationship. You only know that you WANT one. Focus on school, work, friends, family, etc. for now, and get to know You better. Don’t look for him. Let him find you. When he does, let his actions speak for him rather than his words. Those of us who have an abundance of oxytocin have a tendency to believe everything we’re told by potential mates, so be aware that this may be your plight as well.

Q: There's this girl at work I like that I just started talking to, I'm not sure if she's into me though. When she first started working there I would catch her staring at me a lot and recently I started talking to her and I think she might like me too. She usually licks her lips when I talk to her and fixes her hair and she's gotten comfortable enough to joke around with me and even playfully insult me. The thing is she told me she likes some other guy. I think she just said that to make me jealous or maybe she likes us both or just him. Any advice?

A: A girl that you merely “like” is not worth the trouble it will cause if you get together and things don’t work out; which at your ages, it most likely won’t. The general rule is: don’t’ s8*t where you live. If you’re going to break that rule, break it for someone with whom you are truly in love, and cannot live without.

Q: So, a few months back I met a guy who caught my interest. We met at the club and exchanged numbers. He texted me right away saying it was nice to have met me, and after that we texted each other, back and forth non-stop for weeks. Eventually we ended up going on a date. The date went really well, we had a really good time and he texted me after telling me how he had a good night. I texted him back and we briefly kept talking, and then I never heard from him again. No texts, calls or anything. So I just kinda left it alone and didn't say anything or talk to him.

The other day me and my friend went out. He decided to show up that night and left his friends to go look for us. When he saw me, he immediately started hugging me and we ended up dancing, and making out all night. Apparently he had pulled my friend aside and told her that he thinks i'm "cool" and likes me. Stupid drunk me though, just HAD to ask him why he didn't text back. He gave me the "too busy" excuse which, may have been very true as he works super long hours. He told me he had missed me, and b the end of the night I drunkenly told him I liked him. His response? "Awww! Why though?" I didn't know what to say at the time so I just responded with "I..I don't know. I'm sorry!" We then kissed goodbye, I told him to message me sometime or something.

Haven't heard back since. Having super mixed feelings about this, on one hand I feel like he may like me, on the other hand my gut is saying "nope" and I feel like I'm getting played. I already felt disappointed before when we hadn't talked as I was starting to like him and got over it. Two days after getting over it completely it happened all over again. >_<

I have no luck with relationships at all. Never have and I probably never will. Any advice on this? Thanks!

A: It was a very juvenile move; telling your friends he likes you, rather than showing you that he does; which actually indicates that “he’s playing you.” Whether it was just the pleasure of your company or what he thought might be available to him later, it is clear that this guy was only in it for the moment. That is, whatever he got from you each night; is all he wanted. If he wants more, then he will be back; and he will keep coming back for what he wants until he finds another source. You will never “have any luck with relationships” until you sober up and learn the difference between the way oxytocin “the love hormone” affects women vs men, along with a few other basic facts when it comes to male/female relationships.

Q: So I met this girl at a party a few times and we really seemed to hit it off (we're both 18 btw). I want to ask her to the debs (the Irish version of prom/graduation), the problem is I'm having a hard time seeing her and talking to her. She doesn't have snapchat or anything like that, she doesn't really look at her facebook messages and I don't have her phone number. Last time I spoke to her she told me that she likes running and would come running with me, but I invite her out for a run on facebook and she will see the message like a week later and say "Sorry only saw that now. I'll come next time, I promise." However, she never sees my messages, so she doesn't come next time.

I'm kinda at a lose of what to do now. Could I ask my friend (who is also her friend) to set up a night out and tell her to come? or would this be strange? I suppose I could send her fb message and she would see it eventually, but I want to ask her out in person. Do you have any ideas about what I should do about this?

A: You stated that she gets your Facebook messages, even though she gets them late. Just ask her to give you her phone number via private message on Facebook. If after a week or so she doesn't, then you will know that she's not interested. Be sure your message is private, and not for the public to see.

Q: We are both 18.

School is over right now. I have been in a class with this guy for 1 year.

I noticed a few months ago that he was looking at me. I looked back in his direction and he looked embarrassed! I remember walking and looking behind me and he was staring right into me, it was weird.

Recently, I noticed him saying 'hey' 'you alright', he occasionally says my name whilst greeting me. I normally just reply 'hey'.

I also noticed when he was being funny he looked my way , but i didnt laugh

The thing is, I'm not his type. I looked at his twitter and his favourites consists of very hot attractive girls with big boobs and curvy bodies. I'm the opposite of this lol, I'm skinny and not conventionally pretty.

Anyway, what do you think? Is he just being nice... its just weird how hes suddenly noticing me

A: Firstly, each of you is much too young for anything other than sex, and despite what you may think; according the Center for Disease Control and Prevention, for the sake of your health; you are still too young to become sexually active right now. Having said that, whatever his interest in you, he will make it known in time. Either he will approach you or he won’t. If he doesn’t, then it is in your best interest to stop wondering, and move on. Otherwise, if you lose patience and approach him instead; in his mind, it may just give him the age old excuse to “use” you. He will rationalize that using you will be ok, because after all...YOU came on to HIM. As for not being his “type,” you should be aware that more often than not people’s “type,” especially people in their teens and twenties; is heavily influenced by society; magazines, television, movies, etc. whether they are males or females. However, there is no substitute for the chemistry that takes place between two people once they are in each other’s company. It is quite possible that you are more his “type” than either of you could have imagined.

Q: I’m six months pregnant and I get a lot of heartburn and acid reflus. I eat a lot of Tums and take Peptobismol, but I worry that I might be taking too much of it sometimes. My doctor says that heartburn is normal and that Tums and Pepto will not hurt me or the baby. But I’m wondering if you know of something more natural that I can take?

A: One tablespoon of Bragg's apple cider vinegar in 4-6 ounces of distilled water relieves heartburn and acid re-flux. Although apple cider vinegar is highly acidic, once ingested, it has an alkalizing effect. It is important to use vinegar that has not been distilled. Bragg's is an organic vinegar that keeps the "mother" of the vinegar, which settles at the bottom of the bottle. Shake before using to get the benefits of the mother, which is where most of the nutrients are. Also, ingest natural probiotics (see the answer to the probiotics questions above for more information) to help with your digestion.

Q: This might be sort of a weird question but has anyone dated someone, or has been the person dated, that has never been in a relationship (or even on a date) before and they're in their mid-late 20s or even later? Some background about me, I'll be 23 this Friday and I've never been on a date or in a relationship or anything like that before, and I'm likely going to be out of the country for the next few years to a place where most people don't really come out so I'm not too optimistic about finding anyone when I'm gone. So when I come back, I'll be like in my late 20s without having been in a relationship, and I'm concerned about how, if I eventually do get in a relationship, that would affect the relationship. I think that everyone I know personally has been in relationships before and I'm worried that my lack of experience in relationships and being too "set in my ways" by then would make it difficult for a relationship to work, especially if the other person is more experienced with relationships and might not be interested in being with someone who has never been with someone. I've pretty much accepted that I most likely will never been in a relationship but I'm concerned that if I ever do find someone, my lack of experience and knowledge of how relationships are and how to make them work will hinder it from working out.

Has anyone dated someone who had never been in a relationship before and they're older than typical for never being in a relationship? Are you someone who had a first date when most people have already been in serious relationships before? If so, how was it dating someone who did not have that much (or any) experience and was it too much hassle or were you able to make it work?

Any help would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

A: It’s really too bad that we get socialized into thinking that we need to get involved in relationships at a very young age, or something is wrong with us. I had my first date 4 months before I turned 20. Six months later I was married. Four years after that I was divorced and raising two babies on my own. My daughter was 23 before she began dating. Had I known then what I know now, I would have encouraged her to wait just a couple more years. Because I cannot tell whether you are male or female, gay or straight, I cannot offer you any specific advice. I can only suggest that you be aware that you are so much younger than you realize, and that time is definitely on your side. Don’t let the peer pressure or the pressures of society bully you into believing that you should be involved right now. You’re traveling outside the country? Perfect! You are living your life just as God intended. Enjoy it while you can! Get to know yourself better. If you are male, go find her or him after you return. If you are female; relax; enjoy life, and he will find you!

Q: Taking out a friend this weekend and wanted to know how I can tell if it’s a date or just friends hanging out.

A: I am guessing that you are male asking out a female friend. If you tell a girl that you are fine being friends she will believe you; and you will most likely remain friends. That’s how girls are. They have a tendency to take you at your word.

Girls who see boys as friends do not want them “making a move” on them. It can really freak them out, and can end the friendship or at least, make it very awkward. If you have romantic feelings for this girl, then the best thing to do is show her; not by groping her, but through your deeds.

In order to do that, you must first know her pretty well. Because you are already friends, you should already be ahead of the game. As friends, she has probably talked to you quite a bit about things she likes and doesn’t like. The fact is, the average male can turn any girl “friend” into a girlfriend by simply paying attention. This is because of a natural hormone that females have in great abundance, called oxytocin. There is a reason that it is nick-named the “love hormone.” It is what causes people to fall in love; bond; trust. Males have it too, but only a fraction of what females have. She releases oxytocin automatically, every time you say or do something that she likes. She can’t help it; it’s the way she is designed. You simply need to decide if she is worth the effort it will take you, in order to induce that release of oxytocin.

When she talks to you about her day; good or bad; she releases oxytocin, which makes her feel good or at least, better. She associates those good feelings with you. Make her laugh; she releases oxytocin, and again associates those good feelings with you. Find out what she likes and give it to her if you can, and again, she will associate those good feelings with you. The amount and frequency of oxytocin you induce depends a great deal on how she sees you today. The more attracted to you she is naturally, the less oxytocin she needs to see you as more than a friend. Conversely, the less attracted she is to you, the more oxytocin you need to induce. Depending on her age, if she is not already attracted to you, what I just described to you can take years to get the result you are looking for. But if she is important enough to you, then she will be well worth the effort.

Because you are not sure if she has picked up on your hints, it is best that you treat this outing as hanging out with a girl you really want to impress. That is; be a gentleman; treat her exceptionally well; but DO NOT touch her! That is, don’t try to hold her hand or try to kiss her. Pay attention to how she is dressed when you pick her up. Is she dressed better than she typically dresses when you see her? Did she style her hair differently? Did she take extra care doing her make-up? In other words, she always looks good; but does she look especially great tonight? If so, then these are signs that she picked up on your hints and is ok with trying to be more than friends. In that case, it’s ok if you touch her...A LITTLE! When you do, guess what...that's right; she releases even more oxytocin, which makes her like you even more!